I’m depressed. There I said it.
by
January 31, 2022
Imperfect Human

I’m depressed. There now I said it. Do you know how hard it is to say that out loud when you are an annoyingly positive person like me? I have been feeling very heavy under the weight of a lot of life changes over the last couple of months. There was a moment recently where I realized I really didn’t want to get out of my bed all day and I had the kids and we just stayed in the warm indoors and lazed around. Quinn was saying she was bored and nothing in me wanted to go on an adventure with them like normal. As I was reflecting on what was happening to me, the words finally came into my brain. “Jaim, I think you are battling depression right now”.

I’m an optimist by nature and can always see life through rose-colored glasses, can see the light at the end of the tunnel, silver lining, the positive perspective etc…Even as I was processing this reality that I’m constantly exhausted, probably drinking too much wine, eating all of the cheese and not generally energetic; I couldn’t help but think about all of the other humans in this world that have much more difficult circumstances than me. And even as those thoughts enter my head, I begin to feel worse because it doesn’t make me feel better to think about this perspective. I still don’t feel like I can function on all cylinders even as I sit in my nice home and think about those without a home. Folks, this isn’t Jaimee Hall the annoying optimist. It’s exhausting and confusing functioning like someone other than the self I’m used to.

I oftentimes give myself a pep talk and I’m constantly taking in and processing information and situations, so my self-talk is constant! I have told myself many times that I’m building a great story, chapter, book or book series that will be the best testament to overcoming adversity, starting over and finding peace. I can even see future blog titles in my future. “Finding hope when there doesn’t seem to be any”. “Tearing down walls. Building a better future”. “When personal and professional sacrifice nearly broke me”. “Rebuilding credit and credibility”. Can you tell how much I think about things? Lol!

As I was seeing my future self out of this depression and inspiring others to find hope through theirs, it struck me that very few people are processing their depression out loud and real-time, and this might be a journey others would want to join me on as they face their own battles. It’s easy to look back and encourage others when you are past a situation. It’s much harder to be vulnerable, naked, and exposed in the moment. Oh, and if you haven’t read my blog Sometimes I’m naked. Sometimes I actually am., you should as I’m exercising my vulnerability muscles right now. I’m beginning to think that my journey is one that others are going on now as well and perhaps as I share, it will inspire others to do so as well. Saying “I’m depressed” out loud felt shameful in the beginning. Why? I don’t think we want the world to know we are imperfect even though we often admit that we are.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m depressed and trying to sit with that fact and not allow this reality to cause me to feel shame. You are welcome to join me on my journey to finding.

4 Comments

  1. Kim

    It’s incredibly difficult to admit this. Especially as a woman. We are always expected to have it together. To be perfect. To juggle all the balls and never ever ever under any circumstances drop one. It’s encouraging to hear another woman admit they are depressed and say guess what despite ALL my blessings, and there are many, I’m depressed.

    I’ve been battling crippling anxiety lately, for no apparent reason. Im often chastising myself for feeling anxious when so many others have problems that are so much worse. I trivialize myself and my feelings. Thank you for sharing. I’ll be praying for you.

    Reply
    • Jaimee Hall

      Oh Kim! So sorry I missed this comment. Reach out to me anytime friend!

      Reply
  2. Good for you putting it out there that you’re not OK. My church says it’s OK not to be OK it’s just not OK to stay there. I’ll be praying for you and as always you will come out shining like a star.

    You’re the most real person I know only through your mother and your beautiful Facebook posts, but I do know you are a strong and faith-filled woman. Good for you putting it out there that you’re not OK. My church says it’s OK not to be OK it’s just not OK to stay there. I’ll be praying for you and as always you will come out shining like a star.

    Reply
    • Jaimee Hall

      Awe! Thank you so much Amy! Your positive words mean the world to me. -Jaimee

      Reply

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